Outsource your worry!

I had breakfast with a former client the other day, and we bantered a bit on the topic of worry. About how there are people in our life who like to generate worry and then share the worry generously...with us!

You know who they are. The naysayers. The dream crushers. The worst-case scenario simulators. They do it for love. They do it because that is all they know. They do it because, in a strange way, it's what they do best.

So rather than fighting it or taking on their worry as your own, here's a better solution - outsource your worry to them!

There is an art and science to successful outsourcing, and I have long believed that it is critical to success, both on a professional and personal level. Tom Peters himself recommends that you "Do what you do best and outsource the rest." So what better than to outsource worry to someone who has decades of experience in generating it!

(The thought is making you smile naughtily, isn't it?)

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself as you decide what's worth outsourcing and what's worth keeping. I'll use worry in this example, but you can substitute any function, both business and personal:

• What's your vision for your life/work?
• Where does worry fit into this vision?
• In what ways can it support your vision?
• How critical a role does it play?
• How much of your time and energy is it consuming?
• What could be done instead with this time and energy?

To some extent, sources of worry are useful when assessing the potential downside of an endeavor. As we all have experienced, however, too much of it can block action, even the smallest of steps. Not only that, it creates anxiety, physical and emotional stress, and well, WHO NEEDS THAT?!??!?

If after answering the initial questions you decide that a certain amount of worry is valuable to you, but that perhaps you're not interested in engaging in that role, then perhaps it's time to outsource it. How can you effectively do that? And to whom?

Consider these as you decide:

• Who in your circle is an expert at worry? Who do you trust in their worry?
• How can you delegate the performance of worry while maintaining responsibility for it?
• How might you effectively incorporate your CWO's (Chief Worry Officer) input?
• How transparent are you willing to be about this decision? (After all, you can't give someone a job and not tell them about it...or can you?)

Right now is a great time to banish worry. We've got the change of seasons to support us. It's a time that encourages transformation, being radical, clearing clutter from our lives. So consider banishing or at least outsourcing worry for the next couple of months, and let me know what shows up in its place!

In good cheer,

Carolyn

My Mother of Invention

When my mother was in her fifties, she applied for a scholarship to study Japanese in Japan for six months. It had been a lifelong dream of hers, and when the opportunity came up, she went after it. She got it. And that was remarkable.

However, what was more remarkable to me were a couple of the hurdles she overcame to actually make it there.

The first hurdle was the age limit for the scholarship. Apparently, she was wayyy over the age limit, and any responsible-do-as-you-are-told-instruction-following citizen might have stopped right there. But this was HER dream, and NOTHING was going to stop her.

The second hurdle was the advice, or rather, concern of her friends once she was awarded the scholarship. Concern that sounded something like this, if my memory from 20 years ago serves me well:

"You can't leave your family here."
"What about your husband? (How will he eat?)"
"Such a long time away!"

A lot of pressure for a woman of her generation and culture. As she shared her/their concerns with me and my brothers, each of us in our own way told her to go. In fact, as I laid out all the logical and illogical reasons to go, I remember saying that if she didn't go, I would never forgive her.

Years later, I see how desperate I was for her to pursue her dream. After all, if she could do it, then by golly, so could I! And as I reflect on that event and the impact it had on me, I also realize that my current image of my mom is inconsistent with my mother of yesteryear. In fact, the way I see it now, my mother is one who sometimes fills me with anxiety and fear around the way I'm raising my children. She shares concern and worry with such frequency that I often start to feel small, incompetent and powerless. It's as if I've somehow invented a totally different mother, one who lacks the ability or inclination to inspire, motivate, and empower.

Yet when I look at her accomplishment from back then, it triggers memories of additional achievements in her life. And I see that the mother who raised me to always follow the rules and to serve others well was also a woman who could take risks, was passionate and was committed to making her dream come true. And maybe, just maybe, it is that fervor that has stayed with me all this time and allowed me to pursue my own passions in life and work.

We often get stuck in perceiving our mothers as only that - mothers - while forgetting to see, acknowledge and honor the whole woman behind the role.

So this weekend, take time to celebrate and honor not only the mother who raised you, but the whole woman that she is.

Happy Mother's Day!
Carolyn

Where can you play BIG in your life?

There's nothing like declaring to a room full of strangers that you need to work on your marriage. And yet that's what I did last month when I spoke to an audience about playing BIG in 2011.

Sure, I could have talked about going into business for myself, about committing the time and energy to creating my coaching EMPIRE!!!!!! (Imagine maniacal laughter in the background.) As I was writing my speech, however, I realized that playing big in business has been relatively easy for me. After all, I already have the discipline (thanks, Tiger Mom!), tools, education, skills and experience it takes to successfully grow my business. I knew what I needed to do, and I have done so, step by step, methodically and with intention.

As I crafted my speech, I started to realize that for me, playing big in 2011 was about something else. About something that has been in my peripheral vision for several years, perhaps even decades. It's something that has been trying desperately to get my attention as I have moved forward steadfastly with achieving my life goals - going to graduate school, getting a good job, having kids, building a business.

I started to turn my head in order to look all around me, and suddenly it came dramatically came into focus. That something was my marriage -- a bedrock of support in that it has never gotten in the way of my plans. Yet in staying out of the way it has also become relegated to the background.

For me, playing BIG this year will be about playing in an area of my life in which I feel I don't have the tools, the skills and experience. An area in which the ending is unpredictable, murky, unclear. It's about finally focusing on something that has been integral to my success but has gotten the short end of the stick because of it.

Very often we define playing BIG in the expected ways -- getting that corner office, making that first million, quitting that high profile job to spend time with family. All still very valuable and worthwhile pursuits. Yet I imagine that in many ways, we use these areas of focus to hide from those that are even more important to our happiness and fulfillment.

So take a moment today to look at what's been hanging out in your periphery, and let me know if you start to see new, exciting, scary, inspiring, energizing ways in which you can play BIG in your life this year.

Warm regards,
Carolyn

What might have been...

A couple weekends ago, I was in my old stomping grounds of New York City. It’s a place where I found my voice, my carefree self, my love. Having temporarily escaped a life where I am mommy, wife, and insomniac entrepreneur, I found myself suddenly in the land of What-might-have-been.

What-might-have-been is a place of nostalgia and sentimentality for me. It’s a place where I yearn for the freedom and independence of being a single woman living in NYC. It’s also a land of what-ifs. What if I had taken that other job? What if I had never left New York? What if I had never met my husband? It’s a bittersweet frame of mind for me to be in. And after a while, I find it a bit boring, because it’s in the past, where things have already happened. And the past – unless you’re a time traveler – is a place where there is no possibility of action. At the same time, it’s a lovely stop to make on your way to the land of What-is. So that’s where I went next.

When I stepped into What-is, I found myself celebrating my life – my family, my friends, the daily silliness, the certainty and uncertainty of it, the frenetic pace. It’s a place of real gratitude and richness for me. It also puts me in a frame of mind that allows me to become really present to what’s going on in the moment. As a result, I was able to really savor the conversations, the extra sleep and even the perfect NY bagel I ate during my visit. I could have stayed in What-is forever, but being one who is compulsively compelled forward, I had to keep going – to What-will-be.

After all, what would a weekend getaway be without a trip to What-will-be? Compared to What-might-have-been, What-will-be is a place of pure creation! It’s where I get to declare the themes and create the vision that will guide and inspire me in my life. It’s a place that can move me to action in crafting the life I want for myself and my family. For me, that life will be one that is rich with learning and laughter. A life in which we are whole and healthy. A life where we have room for creativity and new experiences together and apart.

As I write this, I am on a plane, heading back to my home and my life-that-is. It’s a life that will be forever impacted by the trip I have taken this weekend, and by other actions that I take from this point on. I can’t wait to touch down, and I can’t wait to move forward in further creating a life I love.

Over the next couple of weeks, I invite you to take your own trips to the same lands. Journal about it. Talk to other people about your thoughts. Revel in them. Be scared and saddened by them. Enjoy them. Just be sure to spend enough time in each place, so that you can explore them fully. And let me know what you discover after you get back from your trip to What-might-have-been, What-is, and What-will-be.

Introspecting from the Sandbox,
Carolyn

Girl on the run!

My neighbor is a Girl on the run. No, she’s not running from the law. Nor from her past! She’s part of a wonderful program whose mission is to educate and prepare girls for a lifetime of self-respect and healthy living (girlsontherun.org).

I spoke with her recently to learn more about what the program has done for her, and it appears to have done so much more than simply teach her how to run. In fact, what the program has truly done is given her the knowledge that she can do whatever it is she wants to. That by committing to something, she can make it happen, learn something new, master something, grow, succeed, and more.

In her own words, she is a girl who is much more comfortable reading a book than engaging in any athletic activity. In fact, running doesn’t come naturally to her. And maybe she wasn’t the best runner when she started. But now, I see her running with friends, running with her family, and also running with my 7- and 9-year old neighbors. Her enthusiasm and commitment is catching -- I half expect to see our whole neighborhood on the run at some point this season!

It’s a beautiful example of what can happen when someone makes a commitment to themselves and also openly and happily shares share that commitment with the people around them. It’s inspiring and motivating, and in the end, everyone benefits from supporting her, running with her, and being inspired to also do something for them.

Very often, we make commitments to ourselves that we keep secret and hidden. We do it for a number of reasons. Maybe we’re scared of declaring something and then failing. Maybe we think people won’t understand why we’re doing what we’re doing. However, in keeping something like that hidden, we do a great job of making sure that we’re alone in the process. And in the same way it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to create and support personal change and transformation.

So today, I invite you to think about some commitments that you’ve been hiding and to bring them out in the open. If it’s scary, start with the one person you trust most in life. See how it feels to share it and notice how all of a sudden, by outing your commitments, things start to naturally happen that support you. Before long, I suspect you’ll be “on the run” as well – towards the life that you’ve wanted all these years.

A Close Encounter with Greatness

I had a close encounter with greatness this weekend, during “The Greatness Choice” workshop by the Growth Edge Group (http://www.growthedgegroup.com/).

I was there because I’m tired of dancing around on tiptoe around my own potential, and I was hoping that the group nature of a workshop would kick my ass and get me into some serious action around my life’s goals.

The room was full of people who were excited, anxious, curious, nauseous, confident, wondering and more! It’s amazing to be in a room with people who, just in the simple act of signing up for the workshop, have indicated that they do believe that they are great. For every person who had decided they deserved to be great, there are many more that passed on the opportunity to claim it for themselves.

So I went there, hoping to be struck by some kind of epiphany about my greater purpose in life, my calling, so to speak. That didn’t come. However, what did become clear to me were the following:

I don’t know exactly how my journey will end. At the beginning of this year, I made a big commitment to growing my business. And even though it’s growing in fits and starts, and I have more questions than answers about my own marketing, what is happening is that I’m getting out in the world, I’m learning, and I’m evolving. So while I don’t know exactly where my journey will end, I do know how I want it to be right now. I want it to be one of perseverance, creativity and bold steps.

I do know that I trust my greatness. I work with my clients a lot on identifying and articulating their unique selling proposition, the unique value that they might bring to an organization. At the same time, there is a piece of it that I truly believe cannot be defined by words. It’s a feeling, an essence, an energy that comes into play when a person is truly able to express what’s on their mind in a way that is authentic – that is truly human.

During the workshop, I was the happiest workshop dork ever, blurting, splurting, crossing out words vehemently and trying out things without knowing if they were “correct.” It made me laugh. It made me sing and dance and squeal, and I FELT ALIVE. As far as I’m concerned, I had tapped into my greatness in a great big way. In fact, it’s clear that if I’m to be fulfilled in my life, it will be through play, laughter, creativity, expression and adventure.

So okay, I get it and I accept it!

I’m not always going to have a sense of all the little stuff I need to do to create a life I love. However, I do trust that as long as I’m in alignment with the big stuff – my values, my essence, my energy – the small stuff will follow, effortlessly, easily and successfully.

So my question for today is: What kind of big stuff is guiding you? And what kind of small stuff can you stop obsessing on?

If you build it...

Recently, I made a very difficult decision -- to move on from a consulting relationship that had provided me with learning opportunities, interesting projects, a pretty steady source of income, the flexibility to work from home, and more.

However, what I had also found, over the past 6 months, was that this relationship was also stepping on time for my own business, time for my family and also time for me. In fact, in part because of my own decisions, it was starting to create a level of stress and frustration that, quite frankly, brought out the worst in me. Not good for me. Not good for the firm. And ESPECIALLY not good for my family.

So I decided to move on -- for me a scary, bittersweet and also exhilarating decision. In coaching, we sometimes refer to this as the act of "blowing up your life" in order to make room for something more fulfilling. To me, that's what it felt like, and in the moments after my goodbye conversation, I could feel the blast and the brick and concrete and glass and wood exploding upwards all around me!

And then the dust quickly settled. Now I'm finding that all the time and energy that had been so lacking in the past 6 months has been miraculously restored, and that I'm finding the space to breathe, see clearly, sing more, smile more, create content, and build my practice.

It doesn't come as a surprise that all this happened. After all, the law of attractions, the power of positive thinking, the magic of affirmation -- all have a basis in reality.

It is so very true that if you build it, they will come.

So my question for today is, if YOU build it, who or what will come?