Outsource your worry!

I had breakfast with a former client the other day, and we bantered a bit on the topic of worry. About how there are people in our life who like to generate worry and then share the worry generously...with us!

You know who they are. The naysayers. The dream crushers. The worst-case scenario simulators. They do it for love. They do it because that is all they know. They do it because, in a strange way, it's what they do best.

So rather than fighting it or taking on their worry as your own, here's a better solution - outsource your worry to them!

There is an art and science to successful outsourcing, and I have long believed that it is critical to success, both on a professional and personal level. Tom Peters himself recommends that you "Do what you do best and outsource the rest." So what better than to outsource worry to someone who has decades of experience in generating it!

(The thought is making you smile naughtily, isn't it?)

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself as you decide what's worth outsourcing and what's worth keeping. I'll use worry in this example, but you can substitute any function, both business and personal:

• What's your vision for your life/work?
• Where does worry fit into this vision?
• In what ways can it support your vision?
• How critical a role does it play?
• How much of your time and energy is it consuming?
• What could be done instead with this time and energy?

To some extent, sources of worry are useful when assessing the potential downside of an endeavor. As we all have experienced, however, too much of it can block action, even the smallest of steps. Not only that, it creates anxiety, physical and emotional stress, and well, WHO NEEDS THAT?!??!?

If after answering the initial questions you decide that a certain amount of worry is valuable to you, but that perhaps you're not interested in engaging in that role, then perhaps it's time to outsource it. How can you effectively do that? And to whom?

Consider these as you decide:

• Who in your circle is an expert at worry? Who do you trust in their worry?
• How can you delegate the performance of worry while maintaining responsibility for it?
• How might you effectively incorporate your CWO's (Chief Worry Officer) input?
• How transparent are you willing to be about this decision? (After all, you can't give someone a job and not tell them about it...or can you?)

Right now is a great time to banish worry. We've got the change of seasons to support us. It's a time that encourages transformation, being radical, clearing clutter from our lives. So consider banishing or at least outsourcing worry for the next couple of months, and let me know what shows up in its place!

In good cheer,

Carolyn

My Mother of Invention

When my mother was in her fifties, she applied for a scholarship to study Japanese in Japan for six months. It had been a lifelong dream of hers, and when the opportunity came up, she went after it. She got it. And that was remarkable.

However, what was more remarkable to me were a couple of the hurdles she overcame to actually make it there.

The first hurdle was the age limit for the scholarship. Apparently, she was wayyy over the age limit, and any responsible-do-as-you-are-told-instruction-following citizen might have stopped right there. But this was HER dream, and NOTHING was going to stop her.

The second hurdle was the advice, or rather, concern of her friends once she was awarded the scholarship. Concern that sounded something like this, if my memory from 20 years ago serves me well:

"You can't leave your family here."
"What about your husband? (How will he eat?)"
"Such a long time away!"

A lot of pressure for a woman of her generation and culture. As she shared her/their concerns with me and my brothers, each of us in our own way told her to go. In fact, as I laid out all the logical and illogical reasons to go, I remember saying that if she didn't go, I would never forgive her.

Years later, I see how desperate I was for her to pursue her dream. After all, if she could do it, then by golly, so could I! And as I reflect on that event and the impact it had on me, I also realize that my current image of my mom is inconsistent with my mother of yesteryear. In fact, the way I see it now, my mother is one who sometimes fills me with anxiety and fear around the way I'm raising my children. She shares concern and worry with such frequency that I often start to feel small, incompetent and powerless. It's as if I've somehow invented a totally different mother, one who lacks the ability or inclination to inspire, motivate, and empower.

Yet when I look at her accomplishment from back then, it triggers memories of additional achievements in her life. And I see that the mother who raised me to always follow the rules and to serve others well was also a woman who could take risks, was passionate and was committed to making her dream come true. And maybe, just maybe, it is that fervor that has stayed with me all this time and allowed me to pursue my own passions in life and work.

We often get stuck in perceiving our mothers as only that - mothers - while forgetting to see, acknowledge and honor the whole woman behind the role.

So this weekend, take time to celebrate and honor not only the mother who raised you, but the whole woman that she is.

Happy Mother's Day!
Carolyn

Where can you play BIG in your life?

There's nothing like declaring to a room full of strangers that you need to work on your marriage. And yet that's what I did last month when I spoke to an audience about playing BIG in 2011.

Sure, I could have talked about going into business for myself, about committing the time and energy to creating my coaching EMPIRE!!!!!! (Imagine maniacal laughter in the background.) As I was writing my speech, however, I realized that playing big in business has been relatively easy for me. After all, I already have the discipline (thanks, Tiger Mom!), tools, education, skills and experience it takes to successfully grow my business. I knew what I needed to do, and I have done so, step by step, methodically and with intention.

As I crafted my speech, I started to realize that for me, playing big in 2011 was about something else. About something that has been in my peripheral vision for several years, perhaps even decades. It's something that has been trying desperately to get my attention as I have moved forward steadfastly with achieving my life goals - going to graduate school, getting a good job, having kids, building a business.

I started to turn my head in order to look all around me, and suddenly it came dramatically came into focus. That something was my marriage -- a bedrock of support in that it has never gotten in the way of my plans. Yet in staying out of the way it has also become relegated to the background.

For me, playing BIG this year will be about playing in an area of my life in which I feel I don't have the tools, the skills and experience. An area in which the ending is unpredictable, murky, unclear. It's about finally focusing on something that has been integral to my success but has gotten the short end of the stick because of it.

Very often we define playing BIG in the expected ways -- getting that corner office, making that first million, quitting that high profile job to spend time with family. All still very valuable and worthwhile pursuits. Yet I imagine that in many ways, we use these areas of focus to hide from those that are even more important to our happiness and fulfillment.

So take a moment today to look at what's been hanging out in your periphery, and let me know if you start to see new, exciting, scary, inspiring, energizing ways in which you can play BIG in your life this year.

Warm regards,
Carolyn

What might have been...

A couple weekends ago, I was in my old stomping grounds of New York City. It’s a place where I found my voice, my carefree self, my love. Having temporarily escaped a life where I am mommy, wife, and insomniac entrepreneur, I found myself suddenly in the land of What-might-have-been.

What-might-have-been is a place of nostalgia and sentimentality for me. It’s a place where I yearn for the freedom and independence of being a single woman living in NYC. It’s also a land of what-ifs. What if I had taken that other job? What if I had never left New York? What if I had never met my husband? It’s a bittersweet frame of mind for me to be in. And after a while, I find it a bit boring, because it’s in the past, where things have already happened. And the past – unless you’re a time traveler – is a place where there is no possibility of action. At the same time, it’s a lovely stop to make on your way to the land of What-is. So that’s where I went next.

When I stepped into What-is, I found myself celebrating my life – my family, my friends, the daily silliness, the certainty and uncertainty of it, the frenetic pace. It’s a place of real gratitude and richness for me. It also puts me in a frame of mind that allows me to become really present to what’s going on in the moment. As a result, I was able to really savor the conversations, the extra sleep and even the perfect NY bagel I ate during my visit. I could have stayed in What-is forever, but being one who is compulsively compelled forward, I had to keep going – to What-will-be.

After all, what would a weekend getaway be without a trip to What-will-be? Compared to What-might-have-been, What-will-be is a place of pure creation! It’s where I get to declare the themes and create the vision that will guide and inspire me in my life. It’s a place that can move me to action in crafting the life I want for myself and my family. For me, that life will be one that is rich with learning and laughter. A life in which we are whole and healthy. A life where we have room for creativity and new experiences together and apart.

As I write this, I am on a plane, heading back to my home and my life-that-is. It’s a life that will be forever impacted by the trip I have taken this weekend, and by other actions that I take from this point on. I can’t wait to touch down, and I can’t wait to move forward in further creating a life I love.

Over the next couple of weeks, I invite you to take your own trips to the same lands. Journal about it. Talk to other people about your thoughts. Revel in them. Be scared and saddened by them. Enjoy them. Just be sure to spend enough time in each place, so that you can explore them fully. And let me know what you discover after you get back from your trip to What-might-have-been, What-is, and What-will-be.

Introspecting from the Sandbox,
Carolyn

Girl on the run!

My neighbor is a Girl on the run. No, she’s not running from the law. Nor from her past! She’s part of a wonderful program whose mission is to educate and prepare girls for a lifetime of self-respect and healthy living (girlsontherun.org).

I spoke with her recently to learn more about what the program has done for her, and it appears to have done so much more than simply teach her how to run. In fact, what the program has truly done is given her the knowledge that she can do whatever it is she wants to. That by committing to something, she can make it happen, learn something new, master something, grow, succeed, and more.

In her own words, she is a girl who is much more comfortable reading a book than engaging in any athletic activity. In fact, running doesn’t come naturally to her. And maybe she wasn’t the best runner when she started. But now, I see her running with friends, running with her family, and also running with my 7- and 9-year old neighbors. Her enthusiasm and commitment is catching -- I half expect to see our whole neighborhood on the run at some point this season!

It’s a beautiful example of what can happen when someone makes a commitment to themselves and also openly and happily shares share that commitment with the people around them. It’s inspiring and motivating, and in the end, everyone benefits from supporting her, running with her, and being inspired to also do something for them.

Very often, we make commitments to ourselves that we keep secret and hidden. We do it for a number of reasons. Maybe we’re scared of declaring something and then failing. Maybe we think people won’t understand why we’re doing what we’re doing. However, in keeping something like that hidden, we do a great job of making sure that we’re alone in the process. And in the same way it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to create and support personal change and transformation.

So today, I invite you to think about some commitments that you’ve been hiding and to bring them out in the open. If it’s scary, start with the one person you trust most in life. See how it feels to share it and notice how all of a sudden, by outing your commitments, things start to naturally happen that support you. Before long, I suspect you’ll be “on the run” as well – towards the life that you’ve wanted all these years.

A Close Encounter with Greatness

I had a close encounter with greatness this weekend, during “The Greatness Choice” workshop by the Growth Edge Group (http://www.growthedgegroup.com/).

I was there because I’m tired of dancing around on tiptoe around my own potential, and I was hoping that the group nature of a workshop would kick my ass and get me into some serious action around my life’s goals.

The room was full of people who were excited, anxious, curious, nauseous, confident, wondering and more! It’s amazing to be in a room with people who, just in the simple act of signing up for the workshop, have indicated that they do believe that they are great. For every person who had decided they deserved to be great, there are many more that passed on the opportunity to claim it for themselves.

So I went there, hoping to be struck by some kind of epiphany about my greater purpose in life, my calling, so to speak. That didn’t come. However, what did become clear to me were the following:

I don’t know exactly how my journey will end. At the beginning of this year, I made a big commitment to growing my business. And even though it’s growing in fits and starts, and I have more questions than answers about my own marketing, what is happening is that I’m getting out in the world, I’m learning, and I’m evolving. So while I don’t know exactly where my journey will end, I do know how I want it to be right now. I want it to be one of perseverance, creativity and bold steps.

I do know that I trust my greatness. I work with my clients a lot on identifying and articulating their unique selling proposition, the unique value that they might bring to an organization. At the same time, there is a piece of it that I truly believe cannot be defined by words. It’s a feeling, an essence, an energy that comes into play when a person is truly able to express what’s on their mind in a way that is authentic – that is truly human.

During the workshop, I was the happiest workshop dork ever, blurting, splurting, crossing out words vehemently and trying out things without knowing if they were “correct.” It made me laugh. It made me sing and dance and squeal, and I FELT ALIVE. As far as I’m concerned, I had tapped into my greatness in a great big way. In fact, it’s clear that if I’m to be fulfilled in my life, it will be through play, laughter, creativity, expression and adventure.

So okay, I get it and I accept it!

I’m not always going to have a sense of all the little stuff I need to do to create a life I love. However, I do trust that as long as I’m in alignment with the big stuff – my values, my essence, my energy – the small stuff will follow, effortlessly, easily and successfully.

So my question for today is: What kind of big stuff is guiding you? And what kind of small stuff can you stop obsessing on?

If you build it...

Recently, I made a very difficult decision -- to move on from a consulting relationship that had provided me with learning opportunities, interesting projects, a pretty steady source of income, the flexibility to work from home, and more.

However, what I had also found, over the past 6 months, was that this relationship was also stepping on time for my own business, time for my family and also time for me. In fact, in part because of my own decisions, it was starting to create a level of stress and frustration that, quite frankly, brought out the worst in me. Not good for me. Not good for the firm. And ESPECIALLY not good for my family.

So I decided to move on -- for me a scary, bittersweet and also exhilarating decision. In coaching, we sometimes refer to this as the act of "blowing up your life" in order to make room for something more fulfilling. To me, that's what it felt like, and in the moments after my goodbye conversation, I could feel the blast and the brick and concrete and glass and wood exploding upwards all around me!

And then the dust quickly settled. Now I'm finding that all the time and energy that had been so lacking in the past 6 months has been miraculously restored, and that I'm finding the space to breathe, see clearly, sing more, smile more, create content, and build my practice.

It doesn't come as a surprise that all this happened. After all, the law of attractions, the power of positive thinking, the magic of affirmation -- all have a basis in reality.

It is so very true that if you build it, they will come.

So my question for today is, if YOU build it, who or what will come?

Sandbox Consulting: Be the Master of Your Cheese in 2010

Once a year, Jean-Claude Biver, CEO of Swiss watch company Hublot SA, makes cheese. Collecting milk during a certain time of year in the Alps, and using a very painstaking process, he creates a cheese that apparently has some of Switzerland’s best chefs calling for more.

But his cheese is not for sale. In fact, Mr. Biver refuses payment and maintains that he will never sell it, that, quite literally, he “will be the master of [his] cheese until the last piece” (Source: The Economist, Nov. 14, 2009, p. 76).

Something really struck me about this story. Maybe it’s because I love cheese. Or maybe it’s because I love the way Mr. Biver is 100% committed to never ever selling his cheese – not even for a million dollars, I imagine.

In a day and age when it seems like everything has a price tag, it’s refreshing to remember that there remain those pieces of our lives that are not for sale – our metaphorical cheese, if you will. For some, time with family is one of those areas. For others, perhaps it’s healthy and happiness. And for others, maybe it’s about self-care. Yet I’d hazard a guess that time and time again, we allow the pressures of work, family or friends to slowly erode the sanctity of that space.

Take a moment to jot down a few areas of your life which are not “for sale.” People often call these the non-negotiables in life. These can be values or commitments that you’ve made to yourself or to others, areas or principles in which you will not compromise.

Being the master of your cheese is really about drawing the line and creating boundaries around what you value in your life.

As you look at the list you’ve made, take stock of the number of time you’ve allowed those lines to be crossed. How many times, for example, have you said the following?

“Just this once...”
“I’ll make up for it later…”
“This one time won’t hurt.”
And the list goes on.

When you look at things from this perspective, there’s probably room for improvement. I know my list has shown me some huge gaps between what I claim is sacred, and what I’m actually allowing.

So this year, instead of writing up the same old New Year’s resolutions, I invite you to join me in creating a list of your non-negotiables for the year. Share them with me or with your friends and family, check in with me from time to time, and let’s make this next year one of value, fulfillment, and mastery of our cheese!

Warm wishes,
Carolyn

Sandbox Consulting: Breaking the Rules

It was Wednesday night. My son was sick. While his fever had vanished and his appetite was returning, he was in no condition to return to school the next day...or to accompany his little sister to daycare.

And yet the next day, I was scheduled to deliver a mini workshop to my fellow mompreneurs. I had been looking forward to it for a month -- the chance to not only showcase my business but to also provide something of value to a fantastic group of working moms.

What should I do? Should I cancel? Should I call a sitter? Should I ask my husband to go to work late?

I couldn't possibly bring him...oh no, no, no, no.

Millions of thoughts ran through my mind:

• If I bring him, my focus will surely be split, and that isn't to be allowed.
• If I bring him, he'll most certainly be bored, and I'd hate to put him in that situation.
• What's more, if I bring him, the other women in the group would be distracted by him, and I couldn't create a situation like that for someone else.
• I need to be 100% effective tomorrow, so that people will know what I can do.
• A good mom would cancel and let her son stay home.
• A real professional would get a sitter, do her gig, and let her son stay home.

So many rules to follow. So many guidelines to heed. And yet, at the end of the night, having made zero calls to sitters, I finally decided to listen to that little voice in my head that kept saying, "Bring him. It'll work out. It'll be fun!"

And it did. And it was.

During the workshop, my son spent his time listening to an audio book, watching SuperWhy? on an iPhone, and also intently listening to our workshop. After the session, he had so many questions to ask about what I had been doing, and who all those other people were. Most importantly, he was excited about the special time he had spent with his mom while she was at work.

Had I followed those voices in my head, I would never have had this special time with my son. And while I wasn't the perfect presenter, and the group experienced occasional interruptions, the event was meaningful and valuable in so many other ways.

Those voices in our heads are often self-imposed, self-created beliefs and rules that we tend to follow blindly, thinking that they are absolute.

That day, I broke my own rules and found out that there's a lot of beauty in living a life outside of them.

What kinds of rules have you created for yourself?

What would really happen if you were to break one? Or two? Or all of them?

What's your afternoon tea?

A few years ago, my husband and I rented a 27-ft sailboat and took it out on the bay off of Victoria Island in Canada.

It was a beautiful, sunny day. Clear blue skies. A nice stiff breeze. Even the man who rented us the boat commented on the perfect weather.

About an hour later, things suddenly changed. The sky darkened, the waves started getting rough, and it started to rain. We decided to turn the boat around and headed back towards shore, yet the wind made it difficult for us to maneuver in any consistent direction. As the waves began to drench us over and over, and the sail flipped from side to side, we somehow managed to pull the sail down and turn on the motor. So there we were, putt-putt-putting back towards shore, wondering if we would ever make it back.

As I sat there, amidst the waves, the rain and the wind, I found myself not seeing my life flash before my eyes, but saying to myself, "We have to get back in time for afternoon tea." Over and over again, like a mantra of sorts.

You see, the beautiful B&B where we were staying also boasted the best afternoon tea around, complete with homemade cookies, delicious teas and even sherry if you like. That day, the thought of making it back for afternoon tea kept me calm, kept me focused, and kept me hopeful. And before long, we docked the boat safely and straggled back to the inn, wet, weary, and very happy to be alive. And yes, we made it back in time for tea, cookies, sherry, a hot bath and a nap by the fireplace.

In times of turbulence and instability, it's critical to have a guiding vision that helps you maintain your heading, i.e., to stay on course. That day, for me, it was afternoon tea.

What's your afternoon tea?

It's like riding a bike...

My son learned to ride his bike the other day. Yeah, the bike that's been sitting on our porch for a year. The bike that has been used as everything other than a bike -- a water wheel, a fortress, a stepstool, a weapon. The bike that's been locked to our porch with heavy duty kryptonite lock. Yeah, that bike.

I had worried whether my son would ever be interested in or able to ride his bike. Would he be physically coordinated? Or clumsy? Light on his feet? Or cloddy? Would he know when to stop? and how? (Oh, a mother's fearful thoughts). Every time I had introduced him to the bike, he would try it a little and stop immediately, interested in doing something else.

But the other day, he looked up and said, "Mommy, I want to ride my bike."

So I unlocked it, brought it down, gave him a few basic pointers, and watched him as he practiced for 45 minutes straight. And at the end of that 45 minutes, he was riding his bike as if he had been riding it for days.

What he showed me in that moment was power of commitment. In his simple statement, my son committed to riding his bike. And that is precisely what he did, until he had figured it out. Himself.

What that also told me is that people will know when they are ready to commit to something new. That even though the world may have an external timeline for us, deep down we know when we are ready to take that leap. My son knew. You can, too.

So my next question is, what are you ready to commit to?

What's in your inbox?

Reprinted from the Fall Issue of ACTION ITEM

Today, I’m asking a deceptively simple question, and that question is the following:

What’s in your inbox?

I’m not just asking about your email inbox. I’m asking about your other inbox, the BIG one, the one that has a list of all your lifelong to-do items.

Oh! Did I hear you groan? Good! That means that you know what I’m talking about!

So often in life, we put aside our bigger goals and dreams to take care of the smaller, easier-to-accomplish tasks on our to-do list. Tasks like organizing the things on top of your desk, researching obscure facts on the Internet, or answering the easy emails in your inbox, to name a few.

These are activities you might be doing to maintain a sense of order and control in your work life. And you’re doing a great job, because all around me I see pretty neat desks and files, page upon page of interesting information from the web, and lots of emails going back and forth…and back and forth…yeah, you get the picture.

At the same time, in prioritizing tasks like these, people are de-prioritizing other items that may be incredibly critical to their growth, fulfillment and long-term success. The result is a lot of time and effort put into activities that won’t bring you the results that you want or need, or create the life and career that you crave and deserve.

It’s time to make it happen for yourself, both at work and in your life. Here’s one way to get started:

• Take a moment now to jot down the top 3 things you’d like most to accomplish from your “inbox.”
• Sit back and take a look at these items. Ask yourself how important these items are to you. How would you feel if you accomplished even one of them? No need to write anything down – just sit back and soak in your answers for a moment or more.
• Now, pick the one you’d like to tackle most and think about what would be possible for you if it were to happen.
• Next, write down the one thing you could do to really get things started. It doesn’t have to be big. In fact, the simpler the better.
• Okay, now do it!

What’s that you say? You’d love to do this, BUT…..

There it is, the infamous BUT. It gets in the way of progress, and in this case, it gets in the way of you really doing something meaningful for yourself. If le BUT has entered the building, ask yourself this question:

What could I gain by actually taking this first step?

If that wasn’t enough to free you from the power of le BUT, do give me a call, and we’ll tackle it together. In the meantime, keep your top 3 inbox items in front of you, and let me know how it goes when you make things happen.

____________________________
Carolyn Ou is a Coach and Consultant in Chicago, Illinois who loves to work with clients on having those A-HA! moments that help them take meaningful action in getting from point A to point B.

To schedule a workshop or complimentary coaching session, please contact her at Carolyn.ou@gmail.com or 773-383-0421.